So before you freak out, let me explain! A few years ago, I realize I didn’t love God. I wasn’t experiencing the wondrous feelings others felt when they spoke about God, or moved to tears during worship. Professing my love for Him sounded inauthentic and pretentious. I was done with pretending, so I wrote God a letter. (FYI: it took a lot for me to want to post this, but it is what it is!)
I don’t love you.
I know that sounds horrible, and I am very sorry for saying it, but I have to be honest. I can not continue lying or pretending to feel something that I don’t. I’ve tried to love, I’ve told myself several times that I loved you. The truth is…I am exhausted! I am tired! Loving you is hard. I feel like I can’t be myself, I’m always pretending to be someone I’m not. You told me you would change me, I read in the Bible that when someone becomes a believer, they would be a new person. I am not a new person, I am the same person. The only difference is I feel guilty whenever I do the things I used to do.
Why do I feel guilty?
Why can’t you just change me completely? Change my mind, my thoughts, my perception? If you do that, then I can be the person you want me to be.
God, I feel like I am always chasing you?! What am I supposed to feel or am I supposed to feel anything?
Where is the peace you promised?
Where is the joy? I expected to feel as if I am on cloud nine!
How do I learn how to love you? I want to love you, I desire you, but where do I start? I have so many questions, and I am afraid to ask them because people might think I’m unsaved. I see the way others talk about you, and I wonder what they feel inside.
Do they feel butterflies?
I desire that feeling. God…I just don’t know. I read the bible, but I don’t feel a connection to you. Why do I feel like this? Does this mean I don’t belong to you? Am I not one of your children? Am I forcing my way to you? Why is my mind always conflicted? I feel as though I am always fighting with myself.
I am never at peace.
Please don’t turn me away God. I want to go to heaven. But let me be honest again, I’ll be content with heaven if I don’t see you, as long as I am not suffering in hell, I’ll be content. I am afraid of hell. I feel so bad that, it feels like I am using you as a ticket to heaven.
God, I’m so sorry.
God, I don’t know if you hate me now. God, Please forgive me if I am sinning against you. I am always worried and cautious not make you angry. I don’t want my life to be ruined. I want to live a good life. I feel guilty all the time. God help me to love you. I mean to really love you.
Whew! okay! So… yeah…
Fast forward three years later, and I am completely in a different space. Reading that letter now, made me realize that I actually loved God (through my desire, if I didn’t love him at all, there would be no desire what so ever), I just didn’t know how to express it while still being myself. Back then, I mimicked other people A LOT, I wanted to pray to God like someone else. I wanted to have eloquent speech like others had when they spoke about God. I wanted to read my Bible 7 times a day. I forced myself to listen to Gospel, knowing that it was NOT really my jam at the time,
. The only Gospel artist I really liked was Mali Music…but some question his place in the genre. I stopped watching my favorite shows on television, because as a good Christian I shouldn’t be into anything secular. I stopped cussing, I was at church all the time!! I ghosted on my friends, in the moment I thought, wow! Look at me doing all these cool things for God, I even began to look down on others who were not on board! I shoved the bible down people’s throat, and tried to convert everyone who disclaimed Jesus. My mindset was rigid. It was MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY!
Thank God for God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit! in continuation… I still felt empty, I still felt guilt, I still felt shame, and I would just ask God why? I gave up so much why do I still feel like this? I was fed up! That’s when I came across an article that said God does not get easily offended, or something like telling God how you feel.
So one day I was in church, and someone went in spirit (I wish there was another way I could explain “went in spirit”) but for now, just follow along. I was given a prophetic message and
God said: My daughter, why is your heart so far from me? Draw near to me, Get to know me!
This message broke my heart! I thought, God after all I’ve been doing for you?? How can I be far from you? I didn’t understand it then, but it’s clear to me now! I was caught up in the pretense! I started to believe my own lies! I felt my true nature would be hidden if I just did what God wanted, but if I could be honest, I wasn’t really doing it for GOD. I was doing it for people, I wanted people to see that I really changed, that I was a different person. I finally felt like I belonged, I was accepted! I was finally part of an in-crowd!
Christianity is more than fellowship, it’s more than doing the right things, or avoiding the wrong things. As a matter of fact, you will find yourself going back to your old way of living if you don’t fully allow God access to your life/heart. Here’s the big question: How do I allow God into my heart? This question is so profound, and you wouldn’t believe the answer! It’s….TRUST! Proverbs 3:5-6 states, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight.”
Remember, it is not you who chose yourself to belong to Christ. Christ chose you first! He loved you first. He knew you even before you were born, and he ordained you a prophet to the nations! Do not attempt to take the position of the Holy Spirit in your life. The convictions of the Holy Spirit leads to a permanent change of behavior, first from the inside and then the outside. Then and only then, can you experience a life of total freedom in Christ!
One last nugget: the process is lifelong!
We must strive everyday to resemble Christ. Yes we may fail, but the “righteous falls seven times and rise again” (Proverbs 24:16.)
Remember, You are love and you are loved!