Tag Archives: Faith

Unrighteous anger: It felt like the holy spirit left me

Hey Beloved,

I hope you all are well and at peace at such a time as this. I know the message of peace contradicts everything going on the world right now, but only when we hold our peace does God move for us. Over and Over the Lord says, “Be still” (SEE: Zech 2:13, Psa 46:10-11, Exo 14:14, Habk 2:20).  Being still does not mean inactivity, it does not mean do nothing.  Being still is a heart posture. Let your heart be still, do not be outraged by unrighteous anger, do not let hate dwell in your heart. Being still means taking necessary actions to ensure justice is served, while still keeping your eyes on Jesus. When we take our eyes off Jesus, we fix our eyes on the problem, and it gets bigger, and bigger. When we keep our eyes on Jesus, however, we are keepin our eyes on the solution. 

NOW…to my story. 

Over the past 2 months I have been outraged by the injustice that has been going on around the world. It seemed like, for the first time, God popped the bubble I have been living in and said, “hey, WAKE UP!  This is the true state of the world.” This is the reality I have always lived in. Unfortunately, I either turned a blind eye or didn’t want to know. I wanted to remain ignorant of the evils of the world to protect myself and maintain the perfect circle of my bubble. That all changed when I witnessed the senseless murder of George Floyd; my bubble was popped.  I was terrified, angry, uncomfortable, and traumatized.  All these emotions came rushing at me at once, and after a while I began to feel hatred. I hated what they did to him, I hated the police, the system, and I can even say, even white people.  Without realizing it, the seed of hatred began to grow daily as I watered it by constantly being on social media, watching videos, and reading articles of all the detestable things White America has done to the black community.  To make matters worse, I justified my anger and hatred using the Word of God. I searched out scriptures that pertained to this matter. While the passages were relatable, I used it to fuel my hate and justify my unrighteous anger. The spirit behind it was totally off. 

Then one night while reflecting in my day in bed, I started to feel some sort of emptiness. Usually when I speak to the Holy Spirit, I would receive comfort, a word, or a message but this time, I got nothing. It was a weird experience, but shrugged it off and went to sleep. This continued to happen over the course of the next few days, and I started to worry a bit. For a second I thought it was the rapture, and the Holy Spirit went away.  I felt empty, uncomfortable, alone; like I was left to fend for myself.  The more I progressed, the weaker I became. I was easily offended, the sight of my co workers annoyed me (they’re all white by the way). So as you can see, I was in total chaos.

SO….. one day after work, my fiance and I were eating dinner and out of nowhere, I began to cry. I cried out my anger, I cried out my hatred, I cried out my frustration.  I can only imagine what my fiancé  was thinking… “is this chick OK?!”  Thankfully, my fiancé is so understanding.  He  asked me “what are you feeling right now?”, and the only response I could give him was “I’m just scared” and I poured my true feelings out to him.  In that moment, God showed me my heart posture. The reality was I was not abiding in him, I was not communicating with him. I allowed anger and hatred to be my motivation.  I completely missed the point. My focus was not on Christ. I was in a battle field, but I had the wrong weapon. I LOST! I WAS DEFEATED! 

BUT…….. I WAS NOT CONQUERED.. glory be to YAH!

Getting back on the right track meant asking for forgiveness, and allowing God to take control of my heart and my emotions. His will must be done. While everything that’s going on is still happening. I am reminded to fix my eyes on Jesus. Daniel (my Fiance) reminded me of the story of Peter and Jesus. In the 14th chapter of the gospel according to Matthew, Peter sees Jesus walking on water and calls out to him. He said, “Lord if it’s truly you, tell me to come to you on the water” (Vs 28). As Peter got off the boat and began to walk on water, he took his eyes of Jesus and began to sink. You see, he became fearful and was distracted by the wind and the raging waters, now realizing that the one whom which the winds obeyed was right in front of him.  I was so clouded by the “raging waters” (And police brutality) and the “winds” (my anger) that I couldn’t see Jesus in front of me. 

Another realization: I know that the Holy Spirit never left me. I was just expecting to hear from God through my rage and anger, it had to be justified somehow.  This reminded me of a passage in First Kings where God told the Prophet Elijah to wait for him on the mountain top. Before the Lord came, there were strong winds, earthquakes, and a fire. The Lord, however, was not in any of those. Finally, Elijah heard the Lord from a still small voice. (1 Kings 19 11-13).

My word to you today is, no matter what you see, feel, or hear, Fix your eyes on JESUS. Don’t stop being the voice of change and hope, Don’t stop fighting for justice. FIGHT with your eyes on YESHUA HaMashiach (the Anointed one).  These are trying times and it’s likely you’ll feel like I did. Here’s the good news: THAT’S OK! It’s ok to cry, it’s ok to be frustrated, it’s ok to cry and be angry.


Always remember, You are love, and you are loved.

Sincerly yours in Christ,


“Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes” Psalm 37:7

Dear God, I don’t love you

Hey Beloved,

So before you freak out, let me explain! A few years ago, I realize I didn’t love God. I wasn’t experiencing the wondrous feelings others felt when they spoke about God, or moved to tears during worship.  Professing my love for Him sounded inauthentic and pretentious. I was done with pretending, so I wrote God a letter. (FYI: it took a lot for me to want to post this, but it is what it is!)

Dear God,

I don’t love you.

 I know that sounds horrible, and I am very sorry for saying it, but I have to be honest. I can not continue lying or pretending to feel something that I don’t. I’ve tried to love, I’ve told myself several times that I loved you. The truth is…I am exhausted! I am tired! Loving you is hard. I feel like I can’t be myself, I’m always pretending to be someone I’m not. You told me you would change me, I read in the Bible that when someone becomes a believer, they would be a new person. I am not a new person, I am the same person. The only difference is I feel guilty whenever I do the things I used to do. 

Why do I feel guilty? 

Why can’t you just change me completely?  Change my mind, my thoughts, my perception? If you do that, then I can be the person you want me to be. 

God, I feel like I am always chasing you?! What am I supposed to feel or am I supposed to feel anything? 

Where is the peace you promised? 

Where is the joy? I expected to feel as if I am on cloud nine! 

How do I learn how to love you? I want to love you, I desire you, but where do I start? I have so many questions, and I am afraid to ask them because people might think I’m unsaved. I see the way others talk about you, and I wonder what they feel inside. 

Do they feel butterflies?

I desire that feeling. God…I just don’t know. I read the bible, but I don’t feel a connection to you. Why do I feel like this? Does this mean I don’t belong to you? Am I not one of your children? Am I forcing my way to you? Why is my mind always conflicted? I feel as though I am always fighting with myself.

I am never at peace. 

Please don’t turn me away God. I want to go to heaven. But let me be honest again, I’ll be content with heaven if I don’t see you, as long as I am not suffering in hell, I’ll be content. I am afraid of hell. I feel so bad that, it feels like I am using you as a ticket to heaven. 

God, I’m so sorry. 

God, I don’t know if you hate me now. God, Please forgive me if I am sinning against you. I am always worried and cautious not make you angry. I don’t want my life to be ruined. I want to live a good life. I feel guilty all the time. God help me to love you. I mean to really love you.

Whew! okay!  So… yeah…

Fast forward three years later, and I am completely in a different space. Reading that letter now, made me realize that I actually loved God (through my desire, if I didn’t love him at all, there would be no desire what so ever), I just didn’t know how to express it while still being myself. Back then, I mimicked other people A LOT, I wanted to pray to God like someone else.  I wanted to have eloquent speech like others had when they spoke about God. I wanted to read my Bible 7 times a day. I forced myself to listen to Gospel, knowing that it was NOT really my jam at the time,

.  The only Gospel artist I really liked was Mali Music…but some question his place in the genre. I stopped watching my favorite shows on television, because as a good Christian I shouldn’t be into anything secular. I stopped cussing, I was at church all the time!! I ghosted on my friends, in the moment I thought, wow! Look at me doing all these cool things for God, I even began to look down on others who were not on board! I shoved the bible down people’s throat, and tried to convert everyone who disclaimed Jesus. My mindset was rigid. It was MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY! 

Thank God for God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit! in continuation… I still felt empty, I still felt guilt, I still felt shame, and I would just ask God why?  I gave up so much why do I still feel like this? I was fed up! That’s when I came across an article that said God does not get easily offended, or something like telling God how you feel.

So one day I was in church, and someone went in spirit (I wish there was another way I could explain “went in spirit”) but for now, just follow along. I was given a prophetic message and

God said: My daughter, why is your heart so far from me? Draw near to me, Get to know me!

This message broke my heart! I thought, God after all I’ve been doing for you?? How can I be far from you? I didn’t understand it then, but it’s clear to me now! I was caught up in the pretense! I started to believe my own lies! I felt my true nature would be hidden if I just did what God wanted, but if I could be honest, I wasn’t really doing it for GOD. I was doing it for people, I wanted people to see that I really changed, that I was a different person. I finally felt like I belonged, I was accepted! I was finally part of an in-crowd!

Christianity is more than fellowship, it’s more than doing the right things, or avoiding the wrong things. As a matter of fact, you will find yourself going back to your old way of living if you don’t fully allow God access to your life/heart. Here’s the big question: How do I allow God into my heart?  This question is so profound, and you wouldn’t believe the answer!  It’s….TRUST! Proverbs 3:5-6 states, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight.”

Remember, it is not you who chose yourself to belong to Christ. Christ chose you first! He loved you first. He knew you even before you were born, and he ordained you a prophet to the nations! Do not attempt to take the position of the Holy Spirit in your life. The convictions of the Holy Spirit leads to a permanent change of behavior, first from the inside and then the outside. Then and only then, can you experience a life of total freedom in Christ!

One last nugget: the process is lifelong! 

We must strive everyday to resemble Christ. Yes we may fail, but the “righteous falls seven times and rise again” (Proverbs 24:16.)

Remember, You are love and you are loved!



Faith vs Desperation

“I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘may you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart.” Mark 11:23 (NLT)

Hey beloved! I don’t know about you, but I have experienced several moments of desperation in my life. There have been times where I have desperately asked God to get me over an ex, or a hangover, and then going back to both a few months after I’ve gotten over the pain, or the hurt that was brought on by the unpleasant experience. One thing I have learned about desperation is that it resides within the boundaries of our emotions. Desperation stems from worry and anxiety; both of which God speaks against in the Bible (see Phillippians 4:6-7). It’s easy to confuse faith with desperation as they both look similar in the beginning, but there is a clear distinction between the two. As a matter of fact, the only similar comparison between faith and desperation is that the will of God always prevails in the end. There are two biblical characters that come to mind when I think of faith and desperation, one being Hannah and the other being Saul. First lets talk about Hannah!


While some might view Hanna’s plea for a child as desperation, I beg to differ. As I previously mentioned, faith and desperation are identical at face value. We don’t see the difference until we see the fruit. After Hanna’s tearful plea for a child, she wiped her eyes, gave thanks, and went on about her life. The Bible tells us that “she went back and began to eat again, and she was no longer sad.” 1st Samuel 1:18. See, faith produces trust, patience, and an understanding that God will do what he says he will do.


In 1st Samuel chapter 13, God instructed Saul to wait for Samuel at Gilgal for seven days, and after seven days Samuel would offer a sacrifices to God (for successful battle over the Phillistine army). After seven days Saul became desperate, Samuel didn’t come through. Saul became anxious and afraid, his men were dying. Out of desperation Saul performed the sacrifice himself, and then lo and behold, “just as Saul was finishing with the burnt offering, Samuel arrived” 1st Samuel 13:10. Yikes! you see, desperation produces anxiety, worry, and impatience. We take matters into our own hands when we are desperate, and in turn we suffer the consequences of being disobedient.

From my own personal experience, and the experience of others; desperation creates animosity between man and God. We become upset and belligerent when He doesn’t come through when he said he would, we become discouraged when he doesn’t immediately adhere to our dire needs. I see this mostly during times of sickness, and emotional distress. We want God to take away our anger, frustration, diseases, depression, ect. . because these things cause us great pain, and what kind of God will allow his children to go threw such pain? My limited understanding is God is good, and everything he does is good. In him there is no darkness or evil. We (his people) on the other hand, live in a fallen world. The world we live in has been tainted with darkness and evil of every kind. So yes, there will be sickness, disease, death, depression, anxiety, and so much more, but we must always hold on to the promises of God with faith. We should develop the attitude of “God let your will be done,” and then stand by His word.

Lastly, God’s promises for us is YES and Amen! you don’t have to beg for what is already yours!

yours truly,