Category Archives: Living my best Life

Dear God, I don’t love you

Hey Beloved,

So before you freak out, let me explain! A few years ago, I realize I didn’t love God. I wasn’t experiencing the wondrous feelings others felt when they spoke about God, or moved to tears during worship.  Professing my love for Him sounded inauthentic and pretentious. I was done with pretending, so I wrote God a letter. (FYI: it took a lot for me to want to post this, but it is what it is!)

Dear God,

I don’t love you.

 I know that sounds horrible, and I am very sorry for saying it, but I have to be honest. I can not continue lying or pretending to feel something that I don’t. I’ve tried to love, I’ve told myself several times that I loved you. The truth is…I am exhausted! I am tired! Loving you is hard. I feel like I can’t be myself, I’m always pretending to be someone I’m not. You told me you would change me, I read in the Bible that when someone becomes a believer, they would be a new person. I am not a new person, I am the same person. The only difference is I feel guilty whenever I do the things I used to do. 

Why do I feel guilty? 

Why can’t you just change me completely?  Change my mind, my thoughts, my perception? If you do that, then I can be the person you want me to be. 

God, I feel like I am always chasing you?! What am I supposed to feel or am I supposed to feel anything? 

Where is the peace you promised? 

Where is the joy? I expected to feel as if I am on cloud nine! 

How do I learn how to love you? I want to love you, I desire you, but where do I start? I have so many questions, and I am afraid to ask them because people might think I’m unsaved. I see the way others talk about you, and I wonder what they feel inside. 

Do they feel butterflies?

I desire that feeling. God…I just don’t know. I read the bible, but I don’t feel a connection to you. Why do I feel like this? Does this mean I don’t belong to you? Am I not one of your children? Am I forcing my way to you? Why is my mind always conflicted? I feel as though I am always fighting with myself.

I am never at peace. 

Please don’t turn me away God. I want to go to heaven. But let me be honest again, I’ll be content with heaven if I don’t see you, as long as I am not suffering in hell, I’ll be content. I am afraid of hell. I feel so bad that, it feels like I am using you as a ticket to heaven. 

God, I’m so sorry. 

God, I don’t know if you hate me now. God, Please forgive me if I am sinning against you. I am always worried and cautious not make you angry. I don’t want my life to be ruined. I want to live a good life. I feel guilty all the time. God help me to love you. I mean to really love you.

Whew! okay!  So… yeah…

Fast forward three years later, and I am completely in a different space. Reading that letter now, made me realize that I actually loved God (through my desire, if I didn’t love him at all, there would be no desire what so ever), I just didn’t know how to express it while still being myself. Back then, I mimicked other people A LOT, I wanted to pray to God like someone else.  I wanted to have eloquent speech like others had when they spoke about God. I wanted to read my Bible 7 times a day. I forced myself to listen to Gospel, knowing that it was NOT really my jam at the time,

.  The only Gospel artist I really liked was Mali Music…but some question his place in the genre. I stopped watching my favorite shows on television, because as a good Christian I shouldn’t be into anything secular. I stopped cussing, I was at church all the time!! I ghosted on my friends, in the moment I thought, wow! Look at me doing all these cool things for God, I even began to look down on others who were not on board! I shoved the bible down people’s throat, and tried to convert everyone who disclaimed Jesus. My mindset was rigid. It was MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY! 

Thank God for God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit! in continuation… I still felt empty, I still felt guilt, I still felt shame, and I would just ask God why?  I gave up so much why do I still feel like this? I was fed up! That’s when I came across an article that said God does not get easily offended, or something like telling God how you feel.

So one day I was in church, and someone went in spirit (I wish there was another way I could explain “went in spirit”) but for now, just follow along. I was given a prophetic message and

God said: My daughter, why is your heart so far from me? Draw near to me, Get to know me!

This message broke my heart! I thought, God after all I’ve been doing for you?? How can I be far from you? I didn’t understand it then, but it’s clear to me now! I was caught up in the pretense! I started to believe my own lies! I felt my true nature would be hidden if I just did what God wanted, but if I could be honest, I wasn’t really doing it for GOD. I was doing it for people, I wanted people to see that I really changed, that I was a different person. I finally felt like I belonged, I was accepted! I was finally part of an in-crowd!

Christianity is more than fellowship, it’s more than doing the right things, or avoiding the wrong things. As a matter of fact, you will find yourself going back to your old way of living if you don’t fully allow God access to your life/heart. Here’s the big question: How do I allow God into my heart?  This question is so profound, and you wouldn’t believe the answer!  It’s….TRUST! Proverbs 3:5-6 states, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight.”

Remember, it is not you who chose yourself to belong to Christ. Christ chose you first! He loved you first. He knew you even before you were born, and he ordained you a prophet to the nations! Do not attempt to take the position of the Holy Spirit in your life. The convictions of the Holy Spirit leads to a permanent change of behavior, first from the inside and then the outside. Then and only then, can you experience a life of total freedom in Christ!

One last nugget: the process is lifelong! 

We must strive everyday to resemble Christ. Yes we may fail, but the “righteous falls seven times and rise again” (Proverbs 24:16.)

Remember, You are love and you are loved!



Faith vs Desperation

“I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘may you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart.” Mark 11:23 (NLT)

Hey beloved! I don’t know about you, but I have experienced several moments of desperation in my life. There have been times where I have desperately asked God to get me over an ex, or a hangover, and then going back to both a few months after I’ve gotten over the pain, or the hurt that was brought on by the unpleasant experience. One thing I have learned about desperation is that it resides within the boundaries of our emotions. Desperation stems from worry and anxiety; both of which God speaks against in the Bible (see Phillippians 4:6-7). It’s easy to confuse faith with desperation as they both look similar in the beginning, but there is a clear distinction between the two. As a matter of fact, the only similar comparison between faith and desperation is that the will of God always prevails in the end. There are two biblical characters that come to mind when I think of faith and desperation, one being Hannah and the other being Saul. First lets talk about Hannah!


While some might view Hanna’s plea for a child as desperation, I beg to differ. As I previously mentioned, faith and desperation are identical at face value. We don’t see the difference until we see the fruit. After Hanna’s tearful plea for a child, she wiped her eyes, gave thanks, and went on about her life. The Bible tells us that “she went back and began to eat again, and she was no longer sad.” 1st Samuel 1:18. See, faith produces trust, patience, and an understanding that God will do what he says he will do.


In 1st Samuel chapter 13, God instructed Saul to wait for Samuel at Gilgal for seven days, and after seven days Samuel would offer a sacrifices to God (for successful battle over the Phillistine army). After seven days Saul became desperate, Samuel didn’t come through. Saul became anxious and afraid, his men were dying. Out of desperation Saul performed the sacrifice himself, and then lo and behold, “just as Saul was finishing with the burnt offering, Samuel arrived” 1st Samuel 13:10. Yikes! you see, desperation produces anxiety, worry, and impatience. We take matters into our own hands when we are desperate, and in turn we suffer the consequences of being disobedient.

From my own personal experience, and the experience of others; desperation creates animosity between man and God. We become upset and belligerent when He doesn’t come through when he said he would, we become discouraged when he doesn’t immediately adhere to our dire needs. I see this mostly during times of sickness, and emotional distress. We want God to take away our anger, frustration, diseases, depression, ect. . because these things cause us great pain, and what kind of God will allow his children to go threw such pain? My limited understanding is God is good, and everything he does is good. In him there is no darkness or evil. We (his people) on the other hand, live in a fallen world. The world we live in has been tainted with darkness and evil of every kind. So yes, there will be sickness, disease, death, depression, anxiety, and so much more, but we must always hold on to the promises of God with faith. We should develop the attitude of “God let your will be done,” and then stand by His word.

Lastly, God’s promises for us is YES and Amen! you don’t have to beg for what is already yours!

yours truly,


I’m back!

Hey ya’ll!

So I know I’ve sort of disappeared for a couple months, but I’m back!! I am absoutely thrilled to be writing and sharing my thoughts with you all again. I have taken these past few months to reflect, and gain insight on my purpose. I needed to truly figure out what it was I was called to do. Sidenote: figuring out your Purpose is a life long journey. Never get too comfortable functioning in only one area of your talent or gifting. Once you’ve mastered one gifting, move on to the next. You can do ALL things through Christ. . . There are multiple levels of you that you have yet to reveal, you will be suprised by how much you can do when you stop limiting yourself.

With that being said, do I have all the answers? of course not! but I’m starting over from a place of understanding and deeper revelations. I’m not gonna lie though, the process was not easy. I dealt with laziness (propably the biggest factor), self-doubt, fear, and lack of creativity (another big one). Nonetheless, I am ever grateful for the people God has placed in my life during this season, I have never been more assured of my purpose, and capabilities as  I am today. I give this credit to the amazing people who push me daily and see the greatness in me that I have failed to see within myself.  I can’t forget to mention how GOOOD God has been! whew chile, the goodness of God has taken on a whole new meaning for me. I am not merely an observer of his mercy, grace,and love, I am a living testimony of it; but, I’ll save all that for another time. In the mean time, check out my podcast titled HisBeloved on apple podcast, google podcast, or any podcast listening devices. Make sure to like, rate, subscribe and leave a review if you want. It’s all appreciated!

Until next time,

Remeber that you are Love and you are Loved!







what do you think of when you hear the word single? sad? depressed? lonely? Being single in today’s society is like, living life with no hope, no joy, no future; basically if you’re single, you have an issue! so I’m newly single, and no I’m not sad, depressed, lonely, or whatever misconceptions are associated with being single. But, I was not always like this, I had moments of sadness, and loneliness, but thank GOD for God! After times of prayers and heartfelt communication with Jesus and family members, I came to the realization that I just had to do me. instead of wallowing in misery I used this opportunity to get to know myself and to evaluate the kind of person I was in the relationship. After a breakup, it’s so easy to put the blame on the other person, because we fail to introspect. There are always two sides to a story, use this time to perfect your craft (you!). moving forward,  have you ever heard the saying that drunks and angry people speak the most truth? this is the truth! LISTEN TO EVERY WORD THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR PARTNERS MOUTH! instead of getting upset over their anger rampage, Take Notes! use their negative words as a stepping stone for growth. listen! the sweet things that people tell you about you are nice and all, but it doesn’t really change your life. if you need somebody to tell you the real raw “truth” (I use the word truth very lightly) about yourself ask an enemy or an ex-lover. boy oh boy! the things you will learn about yourself! Lastly, while getting used to this journey of singleness, I want to share with you all the tips that I have acquired along the way. . .

  •  Don’t be too single

being single is good once you know that it’s just for a period. You have to take what is yours by faith. While you are single always remember the aim is to get married.

  • Don’t be desperate

Being single is not the time to fulfill your sexual desires, use this time to purify your mind, body, and soul before the Lord.

  • Pray while you’re prey (Toni Lashaun)

stay in constant communication with God concerning your life, and your future. Don’t just pray for God to bless you with a spouse, pray that God makes you a great woman/man for your spouse.

  • live your best life

Do you! (whatever that means for you) enjoy life, go out with friends, spend time with family. Life is a gift, and we must cherish it every single day! whether single, dating or married. We only have but a moment on this earth.

  • Be happy for others

Be genuinely happy for people who are getting engaged, married or having babies! DO NOT let jealousy come over you, rebuke it immediately! God can not bless you in this manner, it’s evil and disgusting!

well, folks, that’s all! I pray that God blesses you with all of your hearts desires.

with love

Temilola, HisBeloved


Living my best life

what exactly does it mean to live your best life??

When I first heard of the term “living my best life” automatically I thought of YOLO or “You Only Live Once,” I remember this was my motto back in my days (approximately 4 years ago). The phrase YOLO was an instant motivation for me to do whatever I pleased without regards to my future or potential consequences that might follow the behavior, I mean if you’re going to YOLO make it count! right… this was my life!! so I drank, partied heavily, had sex, did drugs,(sorry mom!) and everything else you could imagine! I know some of you are thinking OMG! you’re joking! and others might not be so surprised. hmmm, I guess it really doesn’t matter at this point. ANYWAYS… fast forward four years later and I’m wondering why I can’t seem to pick up the pieces of my life, everything is a drag, I’m sad most of the time, Externally I seem happy and whatnot, but internally my heart is aching! BTW! my reasons for creating this blog are not to vent of my past mistakes or talk about the horrible choices I made early in life. NO! this blog is about Grace, Hope, and unending love. soo, this might sound a bit cliche, but I realized that all those years of my life, I was trying to fill a void that could only be filled by the person who possessed my entire being in HIS hands! In my loooong journey in getting to know Jesus, I realized that He was, and is all I truly ever needed. don’t get me wrong, I’m not there yet! but thank God I’m not where I used to be. YOLO has a whole new meaning to me now. it means, showing genuine love to others, giving without expecting anything in return, Loving Jesus with all my heart, expressing gratitude, walking in the light, turning away from lustful pleasures (NO LIE.. I’m still working on this area lol). But no matter where you are in your journey, I want you to know that all things are working for your good. Don’t beat yourself up for not being the ideal Christian, NO one is! we are all trying to live our best lives, whatever that means.
My advice: Abide in Christ. If you google the word abide, it literally means to stick to or stand by something or someone. So abiding in Christ means to hang out with him. No forcing, No “trying” just hang out! if you do this, I assure you that he will change your life before you even recognize what’s going on.

If any man be in Christ he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things become new ~ 2 Corinthians 5:17

with sincere Love,

Temilola, HisBeloved