Category Archives: Hisbeloved

Unrighteous anger: It felt like the holy spirit left me

Hey Beloved,

I hope you all are well and at peace at such a time as this. I know the message of peace contradicts everything going on the world right now, but only when we hold our peace does God move for us. Over and Over the Lord says, “Be still” (SEE: Zech 2:13, Psa 46:10-11, Exo 14:14, Habk 2:20).  Being still does not mean inactivity, it does not mean do nothing.  Being still is a heart posture. Let your heart be still, do not be outraged by unrighteous anger, do not let hate dwell in your heart. Being still means taking necessary actions to ensure justice is served, while still keeping your eyes on Jesus. When we take our eyes off Jesus, we fix our eyes on the problem, and it gets bigger, and bigger. When we keep our eyes on Jesus, however, we are keepin our eyes on the solution. 

NOW…to my story. 

Over the past 2 months I have been outraged by the injustice that has been going on around the world. It seemed like, for the first time, God popped the bubble I have been living in and said, “hey, WAKE UP!  This is the true state of the world.” This is the reality I have always lived in. Unfortunately, I either turned a blind eye or didn’t want to know. I wanted to remain ignorant of the evils of the world to protect myself and maintain the perfect circle of my bubble. That all changed when I witnessed the senseless murder of George Floyd; my bubble was popped.  I was terrified, angry, uncomfortable, and traumatized.  All these emotions came rushing at me at once, and after a while I began to feel hatred. I hated what they did to him, I hated the police, the system, and I can even say, even white people.  Without realizing it, the seed of hatred began to grow daily as I watered it by constantly being on social media, watching videos, and reading articles of all the detestable things White America has done to the black community.  To make matters worse, I justified my anger and hatred using the Word of God. I searched out scriptures that pertained to this matter. While the passages were relatable, I used it to fuel my hate and justify my unrighteous anger. The spirit behind it was totally off. 

Then one night while reflecting in my day in bed, I started to feel some sort of emptiness. Usually when I speak to the Holy Spirit, I would receive comfort, a word, or a message but this time, I got nothing. It was a weird experience, but shrugged it off and went to sleep. This continued to happen over the course of the next few days, and I started to worry a bit. For a second I thought it was the rapture, and the Holy Spirit went away.  I felt empty, uncomfortable, alone; like I was left to fend for myself.  The more I progressed, the weaker I became. I was easily offended, the sight of my co workers annoyed me (they’re all white by the way). So as you can see, I was in total chaos.

SO….. one day after work, my fiance and I were eating dinner and out of nowhere, I began to cry. I cried out my anger, I cried out my hatred, I cried out my frustration.  I can only imagine what my fiancé  was thinking… “is this chick OK?!”  Thankfully, my fiancé is so understanding.  He  asked me “what are you feeling right now?”, and the only response I could give him was “I’m just scared” and I poured my true feelings out to him.  In that moment, God showed me my heart posture. The reality was I was not abiding in him, I was not communicating with him. I allowed anger and hatred to be my motivation.  I completely missed the point. My focus was not on Christ. I was in a battle field, but I had the wrong weapon. I LOST! I WAS DEFEATED! 

BUT…….. I WAS NOT CONQUERED.. glory be to YAH!

Getting back on the right track meant asking for forgiveness, and allowing God to take control of my heart and my emotions. His will must be done. While everything that’s going on is still happening. I am reminded to fix my eyes on Jesus. Daniel (my Fiance) reminded me of the story of Peter and Jesus. In the 14th chapter of the gospel according to Matthew, Peter sees Jesus walking on water and calls out to him. He said, “Lord if it’s truly you, tell me to come to you on the water” (Vs 28). As Peter got off the boat and began to walk on water, he took his eyes of Jesus and began to sink. You see, he became fearful and was distracted by the wind and the raging waters, now realizing that the one whom which the winds obeyed was right in front of him.  I was so clouded by the “raging waters” (And police brutality) and the “winds” (my anger) that I couldn’t see Jesus in front of me. 

Another realization: I know that the Holy Spirit never left me. I was just expecting to hear from God through my rage and anger, it had to be justified somehow.  This reminded me of a passage in First Kings where God told the Prophet Elijah to wait for him on the mountain top. Before the Lord came, there were strong winds, earthquakes, and a fire. The Lord, however, was not in any of those. Finally, Elijah heard the Lord from a still small voice. (1 Kings 19 11-13).

My word to you today is, no matter what you see, feel, or hear, Fix your eyes on JESUS. Don’t stop being the voice of change and hope, Don’t stop fighting for justice. FIGHT with your eyes on YESHUA HaMashiach (the Anointed one).  These are trying times and it’s likely you’ll feel like I did. Here’s the good news: THAT’S OK! It’s ok to cry, it’s ok to be frustrated, it’s ok to cry and be angry.


Always remember, You are love, and you are loved.

Sincerly yours in Christ,


“Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes” Psalm 37:7

Faith vs Desperation

“I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘may you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart.” Mark 11:23 (NLT)

Hey beloved! I don’t know about you, but I have experienced several moments of desperation in my life. There have been times where I have desperately asked God to get me over an ex, or a hangover, and then going back to both a few months after I’ve gotten over the pain, or the hurt that was brought on by the unpleasant experience. One thing I have learned about desperation is that it resides within the boundaries of our emotions. Desperation stems from worry and anxiety; both of which God speaks against in the Bible (see Phillippians 4:6-7). It’s easy to confuse faith with desperation as they both look similar in the beginning, but there is a clear distinction between the two. As a matter of fact, the only similar comparison between faith and desperation is that the will of God always prevails in the end. There are two biblical characters that come to mind when I think of faith and desperation, one being Hannah and the other being Saul. First lets talk about Hannah!


While some might view Hanna’s plea for a child as desperation, I beg to differ. As I previously mentioned, faith and desperation are identical at face value. We don’t see the difference until we see the fruit. After Hanna’s tearful plea for a child, she wiped her eyes, gave thanks, and went on about her life. The Bible tells us that “she went back and began to eat again, and she was no longer sad.” 1st Samuel 1:18. See, faith produces trust, patience, and an understanding that God will do what he says he will do.


In 1st Samuel chapter 13, God instructed Saul to wait for Samuel at Gilgal for seven days, and after seven days Samuel would offer a sacrifices to God (for successful battle over the Phillistine army). After seven days Saul became desperate, Samuel didn’t come through. Saul became anxious and afraid, his men were dying. Out of desperation Saul performed the sacrifice himself, and then lo and behold, “just as Saul was finishing with the burnt offering, Samuel arrived” 1st Samuel 13:10. Yikes! you see, desperation produces anxiety, worry, and impatience. We take matters into our own hands when we are desperate, and in turn we suffer the consequences of being disobedient.

From my own personal experience, and the experience of others; desperation creates animosity between man and God. We become upset and belligerent when He doesn’t come through when he said he would, we become discouraged when he doesn’t immediately adhere to our dire needs. I see this mostly during times of sickness, and emotional distress. We want God to take away our anger, frustration, diseases, depression, ect. . because these things cause us great pain, and what kind of God will allow his children to go threw such pain? My limited understanding is God is good, and everything he does is good. In him there is no darkness or evil. We (his people) on the other hand, live in a fallen world. The world we live in has been tainted with darkness and evil of every kind. So yes, there will be sickness, disease, death, depression, anxiety, and so much more, but we must always hold on to the promises of God with faith. We should develop the attitude of “God let your will be done,” and then stand by His word.

Lastly, God’s promises for us is YES and Amen! you don’t have to beg for what is already yours!

yours truly,